Last year my friend Sparky Duck and I each ranked the NFL Team Names. Below are the picks I made. THESE PICKS REFER TO THE COOLNESS OF THE TEAM NAMES - NOT HOW GOOD THE TEAMS ARE, THEIR COLORS, THE CITIES, ETC. GOT IT?
NFL COGNOMEN - The Definitive Ranking(s)
NFC
16. Redskins (Washington) - The Worst Cognomen in professional sports. Imagine a racial equivalent.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OFFENSIVE REDSKINS' LOGO, SO I DECIDED ON THE BEST POLITICALLY-CORRECT SOLUTION]
15. Seahawks (Seattle) - What the hell is a Seahawk? They don't have the guts to just call them gulls.
14. Cardinals (Arizona) - Hey, I've been a big supporter of Arizona throughout the playoffs, but cardinals are boring birds. Now if it were the super-priests, then we might have something.
13. Packers (Green Bay) - I salute the hard-working meat packers of Wisconsin. I also salute plumbers and garbage-men. I don't want teams named after 'em.
12. Saints (New Orleans) - You could never take a saint to the Maxim Super Bowl party.
10. 49rs (San Francisco) - It's kind of cool how they were known for the Gold Rush, but do you think those guys ever bathed?
9. Falcons (Atlanta) - This is a pretty sweet bird to represent you. They go 140 mph and have talons, baby!
8. Eagles (Philadelphia) - About the only bird better than a falcon, and that's only because Eagles can carry off goats!
7. Cowboys (Dallas) - America's last civilized savage.
6. Giants (New York) - They're big! What's not to love?
5. Vikings (Minnesota) - They marauded, they pillaged, they made Columbus look like a pansy.
4. Panthers (Carolina) - Is there anything sexier than a panther? At least in the killer-cat variety? I say no.
3. Buccaneers (Tampa Bay) - Let us not forget they were pirates, and cold-hearted scoundrels at that. By the way, do you know how much it costs for pirates to get their lobes pierced? A buck an ear!
2. Bears (Chicago) - If there was an animal Royal Rumble, this is who North America would send.
and the number one NFC Cognomen is.....
and the number one NFC Cognomen is.....
1. Lions (Detroit) - They team has been terrible forever, and may always be terrible. But Lions are the King of the Jungle, baby! Hear them Roar!
AFC
#16 Browns (Cleveland) - The Browns are named after the owner of Cincinnati's team! And if you're going to be named after a color, why not something cool, like the Blacks or the Silvers or the Purples! I would totally follow the Purples. [EDITOR'S NOTE: IF "BROWNS" REFERRED TO JOHN BROWN (ABOVE), THEN WE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING]
#15 Patriots (New England) - Anyone who feels the need to tell you he's patriotic is either obnoxious or hiding something. 
#14 Texans (Houston) - "Ooh, look at me! My team name is my state!" Get over yourself, Texas. 
#13 Chargers (San Diego) - What are they? Lightning? Light-Brigaders? Shopaholics? Major points off for being too clever.
#12 Steelers (Pittsburgh) - Mad props to the good folks who bring us Steel. But I don't want you for a team name. That's just weird. 
#11 Dolphins (Miami) - Dolphins are supposedly pretty smart (though: why can't they avoid the tuna nets?), but do you really want to be representative by a playful....fish?
#10 Colts (Indianapolis) - Yeah, it's a horse, but it's just a baby! (Now, if it were a Colt Revolver....)
#9 Bills (Buffalo) - Buffalo Bill was surely a great man, but the joke of naming the team "in Buffalo" after him had to get old in like a week. I think the Buffalo Buffaloes would have been much better, and this gives me and excuse to tell you about the coolest grammatically correct sentence imaginable: "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."
#8 Ravens (Baltimore) - Ravens are smart, but mostly I like 'em because they get to hang out on the bust of Pallus ad torment poets.
#7 Broncos (Denver) - See, if you're going to have a horse represent you, this is the one to pick. Who can ride the untamed Bronco? No one, except A.C. Cowlings!
#6 Raiders (Oakland) - While not as specifically evil as a pirate or a Viking, they are still stealing stuff (by definition), and that's always good in my book. 
#5 Jaguars (Jacksonville) - Basically panthers that aren't black. Still menacing, and they make better purses! 
#4 Chiefs (Kansas City) - Not sure I buy the Native Americans as Team Name thing. Some of them I hate. That said, if you were going to have one, Chiefs is the way to go. They're Indians = cool, and they're in charge! 
#3 Jets (New York) - You gotta look at football like a war. Be honest. You want some stealth bombers on your side or not? 
#2 Bengals (Cincinnati) - Okay, they may not be as cool as Siberians, but Bengals are still tigers, people! Let us NEVER forget that. and, the number one AFC Cognomen is.......
#1 Titans (Tennessee) - The Titans came before the gods. They were bigger than the gods. Oh, and lest we not forget.....this guy was a Titan. See The Original List (with Sparky Duck's picks and last year's Super Bowl Pick)
See that chick? That's Selene, (the Titan) Hyperion's Daughter. Talk about a dilemma....
