The Hyperion Institute

[We wrap up Advent with Day 12. As I probably should have been doing all along, I asked my dad if I could use this email of his that he wrote for Christmas. Feel free to read it to your family as you celebrate this day]

Advent – Day 12
“I Wish I Could Give More”

We understand that Christmas is a time of giving. Most of us are beneficiaries of the giving spirit of our friends and family. It’s fun to buy and make gifts for others. Commercialism tries to obscure the real meaning of the season; however, it does prompt us to give our loved ones gifts that, in a perfect world, we might give them all year long.

No matter how much money or time we have we often wish we could give more. Financial realities tend to limit our ability to give, although millions of people will charge through the month and pay next year. For them Christmas lasts longer than they would like.

“I wish I could give more” is a phrase never thought of or spoken by God the Father. For when He gave His only son as our Christmas present, it was the best gift ever given. All the money in the world could never afford such a present. He is the Gift that keeps on giving even when we forget Him.

Like any true gift, Jesus was given with no thought of receiving a present in return. All we have to do is to make room for Him in our heart. That’s the gift He wants the most.

This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. Jn. 3: 16 TM

the HypeyDad

I have been trying to make a list of Best Non-Religious Christmas Songs (as a companion to the Best Christmas Carols list of last week). Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to narrow it down. Luckily, I came up with a slight “cheat,” but putting all the funny/parody songs in a quick list of their own.

THE TOP TEN FUNNY CHRISTMAS SONGS

#10 It’s a Marshmallow World – All these years we thought my dad was making it up, but here is Dino and Frank with proof!

#9 All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth – If I had to spend much time with the kid, I think I’d break his other teeth, and possibly sew his mouth shut.

#8 The Night Santa Went Crazy – God Bless Weird Al. (By the way, if you have trouble imagining Santa as a mass murderer, you might want to skip this one.)

#7 Santa and the Satellite – Almost too weird to be believed, and not to be missed. Santa is mistaken for a UFO. Hilarity ensues. (If anyone can find it I’d be grateful)

#6 Christmas Time is Here (Chipmunk Song) – I so loathe the previews for the new movie that I sort of don’t want to put this on here, but then I found out they do a version of Wham’s “Last Christmas,” and it’s fantastic! Don’t believe me? Check it out. Now, all is forgiven.

#5 Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer – I never had one of those alcoholic Grandmas.

#4 (I’m Getting) Nuttin’ for Christmas – If only because it’s so freaking hard to sing! (In case you wondered, that’s a burglar singing with him on the third chorus. By the way, sorry for the Kingdom Hearts montage. It’s the only video I could find with the original version.)

#3 Twelve Gifts of Christmas – I know some folks like the Mackenzie Brothers’ version, but it’s just too hokey. Allan Sherman’s on the other hand, is hilarious. I found this version, and while the sound isn’t awesome, he actually went out of his way to find the 12 gifts. The statue is the funniest one. IFI: when this song was written a “Japanese” transistor radio would be a crappy gift. Now it’s the only kind you’d buy.

#2 I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas – Ever since I saw the “House Hippos” PSA I have thought I could pull this off.

And the number one “Funny” Christmas Song is…..

#1 I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas – If you do nothing else today (and really, you have nothing to do), listen to this one. It’s hilarious. I yearn to say letters of the alphabet wrong too!

Before you buy a digital camera or any other item of electronics, like a laptop or even a dvd rental store or cell phone facts should be researched thoroughly.

[This one is from 2005. It didn't work out perfectly, but remains probably my most marketable Christmas work. (You know, if I did this for a living instead of giving it away for free to you ungrateful wretches. Sorry. Sorry. Weak moment.)]

[I watched the last ten minutes of IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE last night, and I knew I needed to re-run this column. It fits with last Sunday's List of Best Christmas Specials. As you watch these holiday favorites with family and friends, remember the important life lessons. Heck: pass them off as your own and seem wise. It's all good. - H]

#70 Life Lessons From Holiday Movies

I was looking at the calendar the other day, and suddenly it hit me: it’s almost Festivus Season! I also happened to notice Christmas coming up, which I gather is another holiday this month. In an effort to provide a service to my loyal readers, I have been watching Christmas shows. I have discovered some life lessons that we all can use. Reflect on these here, and go out and watch your holiday favorites. You may just find your soul is lifted.

First on my list is the classic “Miracle on 34^th Street.” And by the way, let me say something here: When we’re dealing with classic movies, stick with the original. I can’t stand it when people want to tamper with perfection (this also includes colorizing black and white movies, Ted Turner, you goat-kissing trolloc). Anyway, so you remember when Santa was on trial? The little girl was worried about what would happen to Santa, and her mother told her “Faith means believing even when it doesn’t make sense.” And she was right: Santa was saved. Remember that: Sometimes we have to believe even when it doesn’t add up.

Next up is the Dickens tale “A Christmas Carol” (there are several great renditions of this, but the 1951 version with Alister Sim is the definitive one). We all remember the story of Ebenezer Scrooge and his miserly ways, and how four ghosts visit him in the night. Scrooge sees his past, his present, and what his future could hold, and he wakes up in the morning a changed man; determined to make amends for all the wrongs he caused. The lesson here is that it is never too late to change your ways, no matter how old you are or what sins you have committed.

“A Christmas Story” shows us that if we’re not careful we can shoot our eyes out. No, seriously, despite the humorous tone and all the misadventures the kid gets into, at the end of the day, no matter how much trouble our family causes us or we cause them, our family is where we come home to, literally. We’d be wise to remember they are not our enemy.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention two wonderful Christmas cartoons. “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” shows us that presents aren’t the most important thing. But greater than that, we learn that it is the size of our heart that matters the most. “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is another heart-warming tale that reminds us that before there were Santa and presents, Christmas had another meaning.

Lastly, and most importantly, is the granddaddy of Christmas movies, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” George Bailey is the everyman who is always doing for others and can never catch a break. When a family member’s mistake can cost George his business and send him to jail, George is despondent and wishes he were never born. A guardian angel shows George what life would be like without him in it, and George begins to see the vast impact he’s had on his town, and even the whole country. George regains his joy for life and is once again happy to be alive with great family and friends. The message here is clear: your life matters. No matter how insignificant you feel, you do have an affect on those around you. You touch lives, many of which you will never know about. Don’t despair, for you are important. Don’t ever forget it.

Hyperion
November 25, 2001

What Child is this who, laid to rest
On Mary’s lap is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?
This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing;
Haste, haste, to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.
-William C. Dix, from “The Manger Throne”

ADVENT
Friends, I will admit I have not yet gotten my stride on this Advent thing, but I think I turned the corner. Yesterday’s was decent, and today’s Advent Rocks 11.5 Casbahs! Please take a look, as I am discussing

How to Regain the Christmas Spirit

[Another Christmas column from the very first year. You cannot imagine how controversial this was. It shouldn't be. All I was trying to do was take the Christian understanding of Jesus and mirror that with what his life must have been like. Whatever you believe about him, he wasn't a Saturday morning action figure. He was a real dude.]

He was born a Bastard. His mother was a whore. His father was…well, no one knew who His father was. Some soldier passing through, maybe. His mother’s husband was a cuckold; too crazy or stupid to understand what had happened; making up lame stories to protect his young wife.

He had no formal education. He knew a bit, but when he tried to talk to the learned men of His town, all they could see was a boy who never went to school. He never was a financial success. He never owned a home. He did not have a business to pass on to his children. He did not even have children, or a wife for that matter. In fact, He never dated anyone at all. Not one Friday night out.

It is not that He did not love people. He loved more people than anyone I ever met; any ten people. But most of them did not return that love. The spurned Him, rejected, Him, kicked Him to the curb.

He was a philosopher, but He never wrote anything Himself. He was a public speaker, but He never collected appearance fees. He was well known in his country, but he never garnered an endorsement deal. For all of His work, He made no money at all; instead relying on the charity of others. In many ways, He was little more than a beggar. And it showed. He hung around with the lowest of the low: bums, prostitutes, peasants, the diseased and the destitute.

His friends were not much better. Most of them seemed embarrassed to know Him, and when the chips were down, they did not rush in to His aid. In fact, they betrayed Him right and left.

He ultimately made some important people very angry. He was beaten horribly. It is too graphic for me to go into details, but the description would put any “Faces of Death” video to shame. He was condemned to die for insurrection and rebellion: claiming to be a leader, a King no less, where he had no right to claim anything. He was executed as thousands jeered Him, but he died alone. More alone than anyone has ever been. He died with the weight of the world on his shoulders, and responsible for more evil than the worst villains in history.

By all earthly standards of His time, He was a miserable, miserable failure. And yet…

At the time of his death, there was a bill before the Roman Senate about Him. Rome, which then controlled over 60% of the world’s people, was considering declaring Him a god. The reason: He had healed hundreds, and thousands more had seen Him perform miracles. Rome was impressed, and several key Senators hoped to curry favor with Him by declaring Him such. His ideas impressed those who had listened to Him every day. They went out, took His message, and knocked over the world. Not nine pins down hoping to pick up the spare, but strike after strike after strike.

The Hindu religion, which boasts over 650 million followers, holds officially that He is the most evolved person ever, the highest order of creation. There is more written about Him in the Hindu cannon than in all western literature, and all of it is laudatory. Islam, home to over 840 million, calls him the greatest Teacher, and the greatest human to ever live. Several other major religions hold Him in high esteem, too.

If the saying “It’s not what you have, but whom you know” is correct, He has that covered too. He hangs around with the most influential people. It turns out He has a dad. Forget E.F. Hutton. When His dad speaks, EVERYBODY listens.

He has been written about, more than any other person has. In fact, if you took the number of books from #2-#153 and added them all up, they still would not equal the tomes about Him. There have been songs written about Him, too. You could sing for 80 years and not finish all of them. And while some did reject Him, more people have loved Him and do love Him than anyone else in History.

He has followers, enough to make any rock star or general green with envy. He is admired, respected, and cherished by billions the world over.

By any of today’s standards you want to use, He is a spectacular, phenomenal success.

I guess it is all how you look at it.

Hyperion
December 24, 2000

I don’t have a main post today because I am Guest Posting over on Tracy Lynn’s site. She asked me to be one of her 12 Guests of Christmas, after last year went over so well. (Actually I had horrible problems getting her the story last year, but it turned out well.) I wrote this year’s guest post with her audience in mind, which you should be, but even if you’re not, you will enjoy both the post and her site. So go visit and see the heart-warming story I wrote!

(And leave lots of comments, so it looks like my readers give a crap. In other words, the opposite of what you do here.)

Around the Institute

Advent
In case you’ve been Missing Out, I’m still pumping out Advents. Day 5 was about Pearl Harbor Day, Day 6 was Christmas Jokes, and Day 7 was a tribute to that Christmas lights on the house (in tune to the music) guy. Or, if you don’t want to click on each link, you can just visit the site and scroll.

And, make sure you check out today’s Advent, about people who don’t celebrate Christmas, and people who are trying to make others say “Happy Holidays” and the like instead.

Institutionalized
On my Blog/Journal, I took a quiz on what kind of daemon I might have (for the new Golden Compass movie). I do not agree with what they came up with, but you can rate my daemon and take the quiz yourself, if you want.

Also, I made the playoffs in my Fantasy Football league. I give some of the facts of the past record-breaking season, and the upcoming challenge.

Monkey Barn
Two Quizzes: What Pie are you (from Dragon) and the horrible ‘orrible What Crappy Christmas Gift are you? Made Hyperion actually swear. You will too.

Also, a great Garfield cartoon (the last line is my Holiday Motto), some truly crazy Christmas Barbies, a skeptical view of the upcoming Mitchell Report, and tons of other stuff. Enjoy.

Hey, folks, Hyperion here. Due to exigent circumstances, Internet access is a little bit spotty for the rest of the week. But the show goes on! Yesterday I posted Advent #2, taking advantage of what happened to talk about rolling with the punches. Today’s Advent (which was to be yesterdays, but, you get the idea), is called Assault of the Santa, and is about how the Christmas Season seems to come earlier and earlier. I read it to my family last night and it seemed to go over well, so give it a look, eh? Finally, about these Advents, I have gotten some negative feedback, accusing me of subverting the “Christian” origins of Advent, and deceiving the audience. That’s not my goal. I’m not trying to compete with your church. I do have Christmas columns coming that take a Christian perspective, but if you need spiritual Advent fulfillment, you’re better off finding it through your faith.

What I am trying to do is take the Advent Calendar tradition and marry that to International Day, giving us each five minutes a day where we’re not thinking about the stress of the season. The Advents will generally focus on perspective, and being grateful for what we have over complaining about what we don’t. And with that, we turn back to something from last week, a look at the best dance scenes from Movies. (There’s potpourri at the bottom, too.) Enjoy!

Somehow, we got on to trying to come up with the best dance scenes in movies. Quickly I ascertained that Musicals and Movies solely about dance would have to be eliminated. There are too many of them, and it’s an unfair comparison. (We can do that list later, if there’s a clamor.)

My criteria was that the scene was memorable, the music good, the dancing actually good and the scene was important to the movie, and lastly, how iconic it was. My list may surprise you, but just remember: I’m right, you’re not.

#15 Can’t Buy Me Love – Nothing beats a young McDreamy in the African Anteater Ritual!!!!

#14 American President – I don’t know what’s better; the sweeping camera shot or the look on Richard Dreyfus’s face.

#13 Gone With the Wind – You know how they made a black version of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” and “The Honeymooners.” I got their next project for them.

#12 Reservoir Dogs – One of the creepiest scenes ever, and begs the question, if the other guy is tied up, are you dancing with yourself? (see clip here)

#11 Exotica – There is no way to describe these scenes other than to see the movie, which you should (although: it will tear your head open). The film is about a stripper but like all Canadians, there is so much more going on below the surface. (See clip here, set to Leonard Cohen’s Everybody Knows)

#10 True Lies – Take your pick. I prefer the Tango with Tia Carrere (seen here), but you might like Jamie-Lee (here)

#9 Sin City – For where it comes in the movie, for the chaps, for the lasso, and for Nancy (see the clip here)

#8 Foot Loose – For me, the movie goes down hill when he survives the bulldozer

#7 Napoleon Dynamite – If only because it comes out of freaking nowhere, man!

#6 Risky Business – Perhaps the highlight of the tighty-whitey era

#5 Pulp Fiction – I think my favorite part might be how Travolta takes off his shoes and then his socks. It just builds tension in this kooky way.

#4 Dirty Dancing (sigh, the final scene, although I prefer the earlier 2, but I want women to talk to me again) – Nobody puts Baby outside of the Top 5! (Is that a child Dirty Dancing? Try to defend that, bitches!)

#3 From Dusk Till Dawn – I think if you have a daughter, and you name her Fantastico Pandemonium, you might as well give her a giant snake, because that’s where she’s headed. (And in this case, may I just say Thank the gods!)

#2 Young Frankenstein – Now that’s “Puttin’ on the Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

and the #1 dance scene in a non-musical is……

#1 Saturday Night Fever – Never have so many women simultaneously wanted one man. For that matter, never have so many men simultaneously wanted one man. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you John Travolta!

Potpourri

1. The original Rank Everything post can be found here.
2. All the blog posts from the last few days are on the computer that isn’t internet connected, so bear with me on that.
3. October is now collated. You can find the link here. Highlights include the two math columns and the subsequent fights in the Comments with Bear.
4. Over on Monkey Barn there is plenty o’ material, including one of the Barners giving birth!