The Hyperion Institute

Anyway, a few months ago the CD sampler contained two back-to-back songs that really got to me. One of them was “Gravedigger” by Willie Nelson; not really an up-and-comer, but a really cool remake that I wrote about awhile back.

The other song that I just could not stop listening to was “Pretend” by Shelby Lynne. It is one of those haunting songs (just her on her guitar) that catches you just at the right moment.

Here are the lyrics

I know you want to leave
But I’m holding on to you
Begging you to play this game
You’ve already won
I don’t hate to beg you for your empty arms
If that’s all I can get
Hurt me one more night
Just pretend you love me

I’ll show you happiness
I’ll prove you need my love
And I’ll bend over backwards to tell you
Every word you want to hear
Whatever you might need to reconsider
What I’m givin’, say the words
Hurt me one more night
Just pretend you love me

I guess I’ve done all I can do
It’s really true
I’m lost in you, it’s over
If would change your devil mind
I’ll even let you be more unkind if you want to

I’m falling on my knees
I know you’re getting closer
To the door that opens your world
And only makes me colder
If you could spare another chance to dance with you
And lock me in your arms
Abuse me one more night
And pretend you love me

Some will listen to the song and roll their eyes. What a masochist, they’ll say. I guess…if you haven’t experienced it the song will make no sense, but if you have; I’m not sure this sentiment has ever been expressed more vitally.

You can find more of Miss Lynne’s music on her website, ShelbyLynne.com

1. WATCH EAGLE EYE AS IF IT IS A COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE SCENARIO, A NEAR FUTURE “TECHNO-THRILLER” THAT “COULD HAPPEN”
The problem with this approach is that you have to have the intelligence level of a plate of spaghetti. (Ragu, not Prego.) You have to be so bell-curve wreckingly credulous as to not understand that this very sentence that I am writing RIGHT NOW describes thou. Perhaps this fits the bill, and then by all means watch EAGLE EYE as it was intended: a realistic look the way things work in actual real life.

2. WATCH EAGLE EYE JUST “LOOKING” TO SAVAGE EVERY LAST PLOT HOLE, LEAP OF LOGIC AND CONTINUITY ERROR
I call this the “Ajax Approach,” after my good friend Ajax, who isn’t happy with a piece of art unless he can write a 48,000 word essay on why it’s so terrible. And then watch it again. I have learned in my travels that the Ajax Approach is employed by a sizable number of you, which is why I am suggesting it. I use to rail against suchhaterism, but who am I to hate on what gives people a good time? Think of it as MST3K, but using a Plausibility Scale rather than Production Values. If you’re one of these, EAGLE EYE should be your holy grail. Savage way, my friends.

3. WATCH EAGLE EYE FOR THE TWO LEADS, HOLLYWOOD UP-AND-COMERS TO BE SURE
This is another approach that Hyperion is trying (very hard) not to criticize any longer. Some people, perhaps actually most people, prefer to watch their movies because of the “stars” involved. I believe I am on record dozens of times pleading with you that this Star Approach is not the best way to find good movies. However, since there are so many of you, feel free to take the option here, even if the two stars are not on your “must watch” list yet.

Shia LaBeouf has arrived in the last 18 months, with DISTURBIA, TRANSFORMERS and INDIANA JONES AND THE SKULL KING DRINK CRISTAL. LaBeoeuf is a bona fide action man, which is surprising to me. I have loved the child since EVEN STEVENS, but I always saw him becoming a fixture on a great sitcom. Hey, more power to him. As for the chick, MichelleMonaghan is fast becoming a household name on her own. I will be reviewing GONE BABY GONE soon, and this girl definitely has it. Of course, neither star is allowed to “act” all that much, but they are convincing, which is all you can ask for. If you are really into actors, you should enjoy Billy Bob Thornton, Rosario Dawson, MichaelChiklis, Ethan Embry and William Sadler. Only Chiklis really gets to do any acting, but Thorton does get in a great line, like this one, right after he’s been shown up (by a girl!) in front of his men:

“If you’re staring at me, it better be because I’m the goddamn suspect…because if I don’t get some good leads soon, you’re all going to be demoted to something that requires touching shit with your hands.”

4. WATCH EAGLE EYE WITH THE THUMPING HEART OF OF A FUZZY LIBERAL, UNDERSTANDING THAT WHILE SOME OF THE SPECIFICS MAY BE “HOLLYWOOD,” THE STORY ON THE WHOLE IS A GREAT CAUTIONARY TALE OF WHAT EVILNEOCONS COULD (AND WOULD) DO
If you’re a level 6 Vegan (and don’t eat anything that casts a shadow); if you think The Daily Kos is full of a bunch of sniveling moderates; if Barack Obama’s conservatism scares the hell out of you; if Dick Cheney scares the hell out of you (while in a weird way you don’t quite understand and could never admit to fellowbirkenstockers , makes you think naughty thoughts), this might be the way to go. I am not going to describe the “conspiracy,” but let’s just say that Maxine Waters has already scheduled hearings on whether the premise was first tested in Compton and Watts. Sit back and watch this “scary” movie, then comfort yourself that as long as KeithOlbermann is on the case the evil conservatives will never get away with it.

5. WATCH EAGLE EYE AS YOU WOULD A SMALL NIECE’S SCHOOL PLAY: WITH NO PRECONCEPTIONS WHATSOEVER THAT THE PRODUCTION WILL MAKE SENSE OR BE GOOD, BUT DETERMINED TO ENJOY IT ANYWAY, ‘CUZ WHY NOT?
If you fall into this camp, do everything in your power not to watch the criminally horrible trailers, which give the premise of the movie away. Just watch. You know my Suspension of Disbelief Index? Use that. EAGLE EYE might be the heir apparent to ENEMY OF THE STATE, but it makes that film look like a documentary on peanut butter by comparison. As far as realism goes, think TRANSFORMERS. Don’t wish that Spielberg had gone ahead and directed the project (instead of handing it off to Caruso), but thankCrom that Michael Bay didn’t get the call instead. Roll your eyes as one ridiculous thread is hung on another, but then let it go. Tip your cap to an exciting twist when it finally arrives, and try not to drop your jaw as the last fifteen minutes blows the previous ridiculousness out of the water. Above all, for the love of things paranoid, never NEVER ask yourself (or anyone sitting next to you), “Why?” Any “Why would they….?” will destroy the film like a guillotine, and if that happens, heads will roll.

Hyperion
November 4, 2008
4:32 am

Tomorrow we vote on the real president, but I thought in the meantime it would be cool to take a look at some Fictional Presidents. I have them arranged in Three Categories, for your convenience and donations:

#10 Patricia Wettig – Caroline Richards (PRISON BREAK) – Anytime there’s a one-armed pedophile who’s more likable than you, the administration is in trouble.

#9 Gene Hackman – Monroe “Eagle” Cole (WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT) – When you’re rooting for Ray Romano, you know the other guy is a jackass.

#8 Kang – THE SIMPSONS TREEHOUSE OF HORROR – Don’t blame me; I voted for Kodos!

#7 Donald Pleasance – Unnamed (ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK) – An island of hardened criminals who hold the country hostage? And the president is scared of them? Why? THEY’RE HIS PEOPLE!

#6 Ronny Cox – Jack Neil (MURDER AT 1600) – Why would Diane Lane risk her life for him?

#5 Gene Hackman – Alan Richmond (ABSOLUTE POWER) – How many of these characters has Hackman played? I’m more and more thinking Gene might actually be Evil.

#4 Billy Bob Thornton – Unnamed (LOVE ACTUALLY) – How dare he try to kiss Natalie? I heart Natalie! As Roger Ebert put it: the lechery of Clinton with the moral complacency of Bush.

#3 Bill Pullman – Thomas Whitmore (INDEPENDENCE DAY) – Biggest wuss ever. No way is Bill Pullman ever getting elected. For Tengri’s sake, he can’t even lie to his own wife! What kind of president is that?

#2 Jack Nicholson – James Dale (MARS ATTACKS) – “I want the people to know that they still have 2 out of 3 branches of the government working for them, and that ain’t bad.” Uh, yes it is.

#1 Gregory Itzin – Charles Logan (24) – So evil his wife ended up stabbing him. What more can you say?

Portrayal of “Real” presidents

#2397 Jon Voigt – Franklin D. Roosevelt (PEARL HARBOR) – I only included Voigt because it always cracks me up when he (Roosevelt) tries to stand up in that ridiculous scene. As this performance is dwarfed by the others, I have ranked it markedly lower.

#4 David Morse – George Washington (JOHN ADAMS) – Remarkable restraint on the part of Morse. If HBO ever decides to give G-Dub the same treatment as Adams, they have their guy.

#3 Anthony Hopkins – John Quincy Adams (AMISTAD) – One of the most powerful films of the ’90s, and Hopkins is simply perfect.

#2 Anthony Hopkins – Richard Nixon (NIXON) – Hopkins doesn’t go so much for impersonation as personification. This is one of the most overlooked films of the ’90s, and one of the best president movies ever. That Oliver Stone made this makes me want to see W.

#1 Paul Giamatti – John Adams (JOHN ADAMS) – I am going to be writing about this HBO miniseries soon, and using MANY CAPITAL LETTERS TO EMPHATICALLY MAKE MY POINT, so you might as well put it in yourNetflix cue. Giamatti’s role of a lifetime.

THE GOOD GUYS (FINALLY!)

#10 Tom Beck – Morgan Freeman (DEEP IMPACT) – I haven’t even seen this, but I have total faith in Morgan.

#9 Lindberg – Tom Lister Jr. (THE FIFTH ELEMENT) – For no other reason than he played “Zeus” in NO HOLDS BARRED.

#8 Fake William Mitchell – Kevin Kline (DAVE) The real Mitchell blamed Gandhi for his problems, which was wrong, but this one caught a fish THIS BIG and got a boner when Sigourney Weaver saw him naked. What’s not to love?

#7 Hyperion – Some day, my Tribe. Some day.

#6 Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Camacho – Terry Crews (IDIOCRACY) – Dude, the name says it all, and if it doesn’t: machine gun! (Read my review )

#5 Laura Roslin – Mary McDonnell (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA) – Wise beyond her years. Tough beyond her fears and sexy beyond her leers.

#4 Andrew Shepherd – Michael Douglas (THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT) – Most of the ACLU/gun speech at the end is hogwash, but I still get fired up every time I see it!

#3 James Marshall – Harrison Ford (AIR FORCE ONE) – I can’t believe Harrison ranked third. I attribute this ONLY to the fact that the top two guys were on TV, where you get to know them longer. Still, what we saw of President James Marshall was fairly awesome. We all want our president to kick ass, and FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. Only down point: why would you pick Glen Close as VP? Have you seen FATAL ATTRACTION?

#2 Josiah Bartlett – Martin Sheen (THE WEST WING) – What can you say about Jed Bartlett? Originally The West Wing was supposed to be mainly about the staff, but Martin Sheen had such a presence at the end of the first episode that he immediately became a central player. And what a portrait. Politics aside, I loved seeing how a president wrestles with his good and bad angels. In that way, perhaps realistic. We had our ups and downs, Bartlett and I, but he was a liberal worth loving, and that’s hard to come by.

And the number one fictional president of all time is……

#1 David Palmer – Dennis Haysbert (24) – After his run on 24 was over, my sister suggested that Dennis Haysbert be officially renamed President Palmer. I had to agree. Rarely has someone shot to stardom so quickly based on the strength of a small role. President Palmer wasn’t perfect; in fact, in times of crisis he treated Posse Comitatus like so much wet Kleenex. He was just doing what he had to do, and you know what: he willingly paid the price for it, by not running for reelection. He did what he had to do to save the country, but he felt that made him unworthy to hold the office. Sniff sniff. One other thing. I mean no disrespect to the hard work and charisma of Senator Obama, but I believe in a very real way, Obama’s candidacy (and possible victory) owes more than a small debt to President Palmer. It sounds ridiculous even writing these words, but I think seeing Palmer as a tough effective leader–without any regards to race–might have helped a lot of people past some invisible hurdle in their minds. Does this mean Dennis Haysbert should be given whatever campaign money Obama has left over? Yes. Yes it does. Should Haysbert share with me for ranking him #1? What do you think?

Hyperion
November 3, 2008

This guy above me should be president right now.
As for the picture up at the top, well,
I’ll let you figure that out.